Moving on part 2.
meeting an ex-bf would always be toxic. there were nuances of past romance which allows the formal courtesy to vanish. there were unanswered yearning sense emerging from everywhere. the pain and anger might have subsided.. but love was not easy to control. it's calling you.. and making you wish it would be re-embodied as soon as you want it to be...
the meeting carried together your smell.. the thing i couldnt get over with so easily.. however it evaporated quickly by the time i reached desk.the work would flow endlessly. every hours spent before the screen was never enough. it was difficult to get time to get your smell into my thought. it'd been too full with data sheet and urgent phone calls. by the end of the day all i want was a pack of good rest without any dream. surprisingly you werent in it either.
priceless experience came at high price. the actual job desk went beyond the one written on paper. but it was lovely. as a student, everything read in text book can be seemed surreal. as junior professional, being able to see the text book unfold and played before my own eyes was beyond my wildest imagination. everything i could only read in text book, now happening live, and i got to see it with my own two eyes. it was splendid.
then came the business trip.. oh it was lovely.. until life was nothing but the trip... people would hunt the extra income. but for me it was a prison. how could you be happy visiting a place and only see airport, hotel, souvenir spot and airport again? so the money wouldnt even entertain the travelling spirit. after few months all i could thought was to go travelling on my own.
but of course the world is not a perfect place. the classic 101 of office negativity was all around. the bullies were one thing. but unappreciation was rather unacceptable. whether it was just part of being in lowest supply chain or something else.. it was still driving my motivation away.
and by the end of the first year... i couldnt recollect the moment i was still so into my ex. surprisingly i woke up feeling myself at a whole. more than that was the decision to move further with my career. but i would never forget what this job had given me. a whole new me.
Sabtu, 11 Maret 2017
Jumat, 03 Maret 2017
moving on and letting go
the heart will never lie.. though yourself has made a come back.. letting go was another story to tell..
if moving on is about the ability to breath with yourself again, letting go is about forgiving the past, the other person and yourself... it was about the ability to understand your grudge, your complain, your hopelessness. it was also about what to do about them.. they would come haunt you. they are good at creating anger out of the blue. they are making you blame yourself for everything. forgiving was the end of the chapter. it started with grudging.
there were many times i would keep my own grudge. it was nice to grudge by yourself.. it let your mind drifted to somewhere shabby and awful. it was as if you've been to a dirty part of the city but you loved it there..
blame would be burdened to myself.. that filthy stupid habid would die hard. the common questions will drag me to the valley of sharp rock.. there was something addicting about it.. the feel of unrealistic pain. i would feel like hurting myself would somehow lead me to solution.
forgiving was the most expensive thing.. then it was getting heavier to face. the room you can have free now full of negativity. when you open the door.. there was no more clean space for fresh air.
then everything is tiring me. the gurdge brought nothing. the blaming made more useless pain. so by then i start to let go. these unaffordable dark privilege has turned into eternal waste land. the options were to wake with my clean fresh self or with my dark self.
so i surrender my wound, and pain to the Owner of the universe. my sole objective was to be purely healed. my formidable trust was God will be fair. if He decided to let him go unpunished, if He decided to make him much better off, my heart will not file any complain. nor will i when it's the opposite.
forgiving didnt come fast. but it came in the end. it was hard to forgive yourself for making mistake. but i dont want to go another day that way. i deserve to be forgiven for my own mistakes. i deserve to stop blaming and spare my heart a good deal of wide field. so i forgive myself now.. i made mistake.. still trying to learn from it.. and it was okay. i was being human, nothing more.
if moving on is about the ability to breath with yourself again, letting go is about forgiving the past, the other person and yourself... it was about the ability to understand your grudge, your complain, your hopelessness. it was also about what to do about them.. they would come haunt you. they are good at creating anger out of the blue. they are making you blame yourself for everything. forgiving was the end of the chapter. it started with grudging.
there were many times i would keep my own grudge. it was nice to grudge by yourself.. it let your mind drifted to somewhere shabby and awful. it was as if you've been to a dirty part of the city but you loved it there..
blame would be burdened to myself.. that filthy stupid habid would die hard. the common questions will drag me to the valley of sharp rock.. there was something addicting about it.. the feel of unrealistic pain. i would feel like hurting myself would somehow lead me to solution.
forgiving was the most expensive thing.. then it was getting heavier to face. the room you can have free now full of negativity. when you open the door.. there was no more clean space for fresh air.
then everything is tiring me. the gurdge brought nothing. the blaming made more useless pain. so by then i start to let go. these unaffordable dark privilege has turned into eternal waste land. the options were to wake with my clean fresh self or with my dark self.
so i surrender my wound, and pain to the Owner of the universe. my sole objective was to be purely healed. my formidable trust was God will be fair. if He decided to let him go unpunished, if He decided to make him much better off, my heart will not file any complain. nor will i when it's the opposite.
forgiving didnt come fast. but it came in the end. it was hard to forgive yourself for making mistake. but i dont want to go another day that way. i deserve to be forgiven for my own mistakes. i deserve to stop blaming and spare my heart a good deal of wide field. so i forgive myself now.. i made mistake.. still trying to learn from it.. and it was okay. i was being human, nothing more.
Kamis, 02 Maret 2017
when it's finally me again
after you gave everything then being turned down, the worst part was not to leave or to be left. time will heal will not even cover as the title. the hardest task is the process to find yourself again.
the world colapsed everyday when he left. nothing was really okay. nothing was right. the cries never helped. no matter how dry the eyes had become. every time there was the question of would he come back.. would he know.. would he think of me now.. pain was something usual. it was miserable.
everyday it was waking up feeling as if the soul scattered all over the place. it was almost impossible to pick it up again one by one and put yourself together again. and impossible almost became the norm of the day.
after two jobs and many months of working non-stop, i woke up with a fresh feeling. it felt like me again. it felt like myself again. an oh it was so nice... it was a nice foreign feeling. but i know myself had finnaly arrived to its soul's socket again.. it wasnt planned, it wasnt carefully managed. but myself finally came together.
was it because of the jobs? meeting new people? the time when i had to work endlessly? the time when there no such space or energy to think about him again? maybe all of the above...
the jobs werent exactly what i wish myself would do. the hours were almost endless. i didnt even have a life with friends. the perks were abundant though :). there were times i would experience priceless things. things i could only read in text books of international economy. there were times i should kick off my brain and produce data sheet which would serve as important document. it was a priceless experience. perhaps i also owed it to this job that i was able to move on.
people would ask how come i still didnt see anyone new so soon. they should know.. it was not easy to find myself again. it was not easy to breath in the air and to know yes it's entirely you. not you scattered.. not you all over the place.. not you being devastated.
moving on was another story. rather an interesting one. will be continued in the next post.
the world colapsed everyday when he left. nothing was really okay. nothing was right. the cries never helped. no matter how dry the eyes had become. every time there was the question of would he come back.. would he know.. would he think of me now.. pain was something usual. it was miserable.
everyday it was waking up feeling as if the soul scattered all over the place. it was almost impossible to pick it up again one by one and put yourself together again. and impossible almost became the norm of the day.
after two jobs and many months of working non-stop, i woke up with a fresh feeling. it felt like me again. it felt like myself again. an oh it was so nice... it was a nice foreign feeling. but i know myself had finnaly arrived to its soul's socket again.. it wasnt planned, it wasnt carefully managed. but myself finally came together.
was it because of the jobs? meeting new people? the time when i had to work endlessly? the time when there no such space or energy to think about him again? maybe all of the above...
the jobs werent exactly what i wish myself would do. the hours were almost endless. i didnt even have a life with friends. the perks were abundant though :). there were times i would experience priceless things. things i could only read in text books of international economy. there were times i should kick off my brain and produce data sheet which would serve as important document. it was a priceless experience. perhaps i also owed it to this job that i was able to move on.
people would ask how come i still didnt see anyone new so soon. they should know.. it was not easy to find myself again. it was not easy to breath in the air and to know yes it's entirely you. not you scattered.. not you all over the place.. not you being devastated.
moving on was another story. rather an interesting one. will be continued in the next post.
Selasa, 14 Februari 2017
The Investment
the start was in a hurry mode. one where i was not given option to think and take time. the promises seemed blunt and straight.
then you were moving away out of your country. you were trying to get a new job there. it was good at the beginning. i was praying that you got a job soon. there was nothing more that i wanted.
the new job came and took you away from me. the time different, problems came and went. i thought i would just wait for the water to calm. but i was told it was always under storm.. oh is it?
it was already last year when we promised to be together. for the many months, half of it was nothing but argument. if it was a room, it was mostly empty. the only furniture was the breaking up-coming back session.
so what is this now? my heart is fatigue. the love was just nothing but a greeting on postal card. i couldnt find a single moment when we laugh together.
if this is to be long term, the short term is already disappointing. if this is to generate happiness until the end of time, so far it is the worst investment ever.
then you were moving away out of your country. you were trying to get a new job there. it was good at the beginning. i was praying that you got a job soon. there was nothing more that i wanted.
the new job came and took you away from me. the time different, problems came and went. i thought i would just wait for the water to calm. but i was told it was always under storm.. oh is it?
it was already last year when we promised to be together. for the many months, half of it was nothing but argument. if it was a room, it was mostly empty. the only furniture was the breaking up-coming back session.
so what is this now? my heart is fatigue. the love was just nothing but a greeting on postal card. i couldnt find a single moment when we laugh together.
if this is to be long term, the short term is already disappointing. if this is to generate happiness until the end of time, so far it is the worst investment ever.
Minggu, 05 Februari 2017
the unanswered expectation
the morning sky color represents my mood and heart. gloomy and heavy with water. how to smile in this kind of situation? a sad face is a lot easier to come out.
it felt like a soft strike to your heart but the blow is as hard as the strong one. not sure which one is better. if i could only wish for a calmer heart.
so the next task is how to move on. the current important task is accept with a great heart. and then learn from the mistake.
it felt like a soft strike to your heart but the blow is as hard as the strong one. not sure which one is better. if i could only wish for a calmer heart.
so the next task is how to move on. the current important task is accept with a great heart. and then learn from the mistake.
Kamis, 02 Februari 2017
it's your mission now! (Jetfire - Revenge Of The Fallen)
after spending weeks without objective, the past few mornings have been like mornings with enlightment. at first it felt like searching a needle in a haystack. but the new triple x really kicks in the brain when Ainsley said finding needle in a needle stack. objectives are there. whether presented by people, nature, past experience etc etc. but i'm really looking for something that will put meaning to my life. something which will fulfill the non-material pursuit. and at the same time will automatically fill in the material demand.
i read about some of those people. they are lucky enough to live in the world where they do what they like, and the worldly stuffs are just automatically fulfilled. not really know how these people do it. i would love to learn from them if i have the chance. but in the mean time i will just do what i can. with the help of family, friends and google. (the order is put in alphabetical order to avoid further useless argument on which should come first)
why i should start with Jetfire? He is a totally way beyond old school alien robot. his words of mission started the whole idea of searching the machine that will harvest the sun. without it, the milky way will lost its balance and fall apart. that is one hell of a mission!
making decision is not an easy thing when you know the significant background. moreover when you want to decide things that will effect your future. at certain age you will sort of see what your parents nurture you to be. at times you have a choice to do way out of the SOP parental book coz you think its way cooler. and you were right and it was awesome! so now i wanna do almost similar but in my own better way. God speed!
Some people really deserve a thankful note from me. especially my parents. the good thing is nowadays they are more loose. i dont live in golden cage anymore. and to my friends, especially for hearing all the random silly stuffs i'm saying. and to just tolerate the speed-of-light mind leap that may need lots of patience just to be able to bear the time with me.
It was my mission. now it's your mission!. Taken from Jetfire line from the transformer movie entitled Revenge of the Fallen. The pic is taken from this site and few words were added to help me energize my writing.
Senin, 16 Januari 2017
the resolution
i was on my way writing the next post when i felt too much anger and complain energy coming from it. this has been always what i felt before writing. this writing for me is a way to channel whatever that i cant contain. and i hate to feel the negative aura radiating.
so i stopped that post and kept it there for a while. i gave myself sometime to think.. its not a wrong thing.. but i can make a choice here.. and i took sometime to figure out about myself.. well the supposed last post was about finding my own happiness. but the way it was made out, it wasn't happy at all. it was a complaint towards the society. towards the people who just came to pass by. they weren't there to stay but the impression was so negatively striking that it lasts. and it lasts because it was somehow permitted.
but what was meant to stay is the parameter, not variable. variable may change only following the parameter. parameter is the sole reference towards the inconstant movement of the variable.. the personality should be a parameter.. so whatever variable that may pass by, it constantly holds the true principle. the sincere strong principle.
the true principle that i hold on to is that happiness is coming from within. that is the parameter. variable may change, it may come and go. but whatever the variable position may be, the happiness will not be disturbed. it will stand still, like a strong deep rooted tree holding on to the storm and rain.
that will be my principle of resolution. to be happy about myself. so no matter what happen out there, i can look within myself and i feel happy. the technical way will come later but i see its a better option. i will not opt out for loosing weight.. but to make my body happy is to live healthily. to make my wallet happy is to do rational shopping, make saving and clean away all those credit card bills.
by this stage you already know that i may not be the happiest person on earth. i live with problems. i think those are also what can make me strong coz i will overcome it. no matter what i will find positive way and breath in victory.
so that is my resolution. i'm writing this with a hope that the happiness will spread to everyone, whether they read it or not. i hope to live in a better world..and it should start from a happy mind within me and all of us.
so i stopped that post and kept it there for a while. i gave myself sometime to think.. its not a wrong thing.. but i can make a choice here.. and i took sometime to figure out about myself.. well the supposed last post was about finding my own happiness. but the way it was made out, it wasn't happy at all. it was a complaint towards the society. towards the people who just came to pass by. they weren't there to stay but the impression was so negatively striking that it lasts. and it lasts because it was somehow permitted.
but what was meant to stay is the parameter, not variable. variable may change only following the parameter. parameter is the sole reference towards the inconstant movement of the variable.. the personality should be a parameter.. so whatever variable that may pass by, it constantly holds the true principle. the sincere strong principle.
the true principle that i hold on to is that happiness is coming from within. that is the parameter. variable may change, it may come and go. but whatever the variable position may be, the happiness will not be disturbed. it will stand still, like a strong deep rooted tree holding on to the storm and rain.
that will be my principle of resolution. to be happy about myself. so no matter what happen out there, i can look within myself and i feel happy. the technical way will come later but i see its a better option. i will not opt out for loosing weight.. but to make my body happy is to live healthily. to make my wallet happy is to do rational shopping, make saving and clean away all those credit card bills.
by this stage you already know that i may not be the happiest person on earth. i live with problems. i think those are also what can make me strong coz i will overcome it. no matter what i will find positive way and breath in victory.
so that is my resolution. i'm writing this with a hope that the happiness will spread to everyone, whether they read it or not. i hope to live in a better world..and it should start from a happy mind within me and all of us.
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