the nobleman way

oh i learn the hard way how the logical way failed to cope with heart problems. i was angry, sad, emotional, depressed and tired. deep down inside, within the innocent heart, it said calm down, and seize the day. my head told me to move on. the moving on came easier. seizing the day came with half the spirit. the other half was filled with sadness, pain and tears. the prayers stopped. at some point i'm asking for answers but i was unanswered. i was sad and also disappointed.
for years i tried to get up on my feet. moving aside the annoying knock from the heart. no, you go back coz i'm going the rational, logical way. and how i thought it was the best for me, for you, for us. how i press so many feelings down. and i thought, love was you, and it still is. in the future i will likely not change. maybe life will bring me someone else. as you try to point the same only it is more certain for you. maybe life will lead me to another way which takes me far away from you. maybe everything will change but inside here, that pure and sincere love will always be printed under your name. so i tried to walk on the logical way. the scientific way. i give up praying because i thought the owner of the universe set something else for me.
then that day come. when the path of the universe move our line of life into one again. like the alignment of the galaxy, it only happened for very short. it was unplanned and unavoidable. everywhere i went, the signs told me turn to you. no traffic light, just the fast lane. you said maybe this is what called destiny. destiny... that word made shiver and cry. that word made me silence and questions.
it ended without much drama. leaving me empty. you signal to walk away. you signal to be gone. i smile with rainy heart. if this is the farewell way, i bid goodbye with every good prayers my heart can do. if this the last way, i wish you a bright future and happiness. if this is the final moment, oh God how i wish him nothing but the best.
leaving more questions to my mind. i believe everything happened for a reason. nothing happens for nothing. so what was that for? what was that all about? i got up on my feet. trying every way i can to face that my love was taken away. did it mean something? or was it just a way to project something bigger and more important? and i dont know.
at some points i stood silence. for a short time, the universe showed i cant avoid what was written. this random calculus showed disturbance is meant to right the equation. this random calculus is out of my reach....out of my control. but i know, my prayers, my questions, my complains, my angers were heard.  i'm in His labyrinth just a micro particle trying to find my way. i'm powerless to determine things. i deserve the right to try, i deserve the right to plan. but in the end, this particle can only accept what has been written.
so i pray. to the owner of the universe, i know You hear me. i can only pray. it is all i have. You know best what is within my heart. if there is unlimited patience, strength, acceptance, will You please grant me those... make me patience to face this hardship. make me strong to survive difficult times. make my heart accept what is written for me. here i am, surrendering my destiny to you. for it is only yours. if life should be with the heart, please open nothing but the good ways. if life should go different way, i believe it is also a good way.
and that's my nobleman way. the way without anger, complains, emotion and hatred. it is the way of the heart. it says to be patience. it says to pray. it says to strive for the best. the common man way is much more tempting. but i listen to my heart. and i choose to be noble.

That One Dream that Could Probably Tell Everything

Few months back, a good old friend introduced me to a friend of her husband. The guy was tall and handsome. At a glimpse, he seemed to be a perfect guy to date. He sounded smart, funny and caring. Well that was all about him that I can say. After the first meeting, no significant action. A few information I collected here and there saying he was insecure with some qualities of mine. Oh I didn't quite bother about it except for the fact that he  actually could be insecure.

Two nights back, it was weekend, I had a dream about him. Two dreams in one night. in between I woke up just to try to erase him off my mind. The second dream came with a very clear message. And it was a bit surprising. It carried a certain important message. The action I did in the dream showed very clear that somehow I can't avoid what's written by God.

So there I was working as personal assistant to a very prominent yet kind-hearted female politician. We were in a seminar and I had to come back to her car to take a notebook. On my way back to the venue, I spotted him. Sitting near glass window. I felt confused and unhappy at the same time. What is he doing here?? and why is he looking at me?? I thought at that time. So I took another way to get to the venue so that I wont have to pass that glass window.

After the seminar, I quickly directed my boss to take the same way to avoid that glass window. We took much farther route. On the end of the route, I know I have to make a turn left so that I won't show before his face after the turn. it was almost a u-turn. and my boss, the very nice lady, suddenly turn right and said to me "mbak Tia, this is a very good friend of mine, come shake his hand!"... It was him and I suddenly woke up..

You can go all the way but destiny is not one to be avoided.

depressive school life

when my undergraduate degree started, I was a curious and happy girl. I was excited to get new friends and saw new places. my decision to pursue education there was more to run away rather than to be educated. I couldn't stand the pressure from my parents to get medical degree. I know its just not me.

my first and second year went well. I survived the hardship on writing reports for numerous lab session every week. I never enjoyed it and I learned the hard way how staying up late is bad for your health.

then hell comes on the last half. somehow I had the stupidest relationship ever... then the only thing I wanna do was to leave the campus. We were close but then I did something weird, he stopped talking and never responded to me. After 1-2 months he hooked up with a girl from the same batch. I felt so wasted at first. then I found my own escape. I got so addicted to internet... I could spend 4-7 hrs before the screen. I tried out anything the technology could offer me.

unconsciously I keep my distant of campus life. I left the prominent extracurricular. maybe I was just a step away of becoming an activist of whatsoever movement I was in. but that too made me uncomfortable. it made me felt so narrowed down to a fundamentalist topic. it wasnt what my heart calls me for. it was just something other created for me to go to. I thought...this kind of world would shrink me into someone I dont know. someone who stayed silent behind a man, knew no better than taking care of babies at home, agrees with painful heart to a poligamy. so I stayed away. Shut it down. Closing all acces it got to me.

On the last round, a good friend of mine introduced me to a radio life. and I LOVE it sooo much. it wasnt only the perfect escape, it took me to a new wonderful experience. in a short time, my new life turned me into a workaholic and busy girl. on the other hand, i ignored my final assignment totally. in campus, i felt like my campus mates hate me. they became so distant.

then i decided to quit on the radio to really concentrate on finishing my final assignment. it was even worse. i had to see my junior graduating. It made me so insecure. i felt such a looser... then the d-day came. it wasnt the way i expected it to be. other people seem to just pass it without a problem. mine came with a bumpy ride and rough edges. the head of department helped out a lot. i wouldn't be here without her help. but my adviser turned into someone i don't know. he doesn't wanna offer any help. he put the blame on us. he turned into a cold heartless stranger that i don't want to see or talk to.

at times i felt my future ruined before my eyes.I couldnt trust anyone. and worse I couldnt trust myself. I tried to collect the pieces. it felt like every shred came with a knife and time machine at the same time. it felt like every one turned their back on me. no one wanted to be my friend. my good friend left me with so many words left unsaid. I just wish I could turn back the time to when we would quarrel and shout at each other. I need to tell me that life still has a long journey ahead..and that emotion won't stay.

I wish I knew that those depressive times were normal. and it was also normal to go to a shrink. It was normal to call someone and just spill my heart out on the floor. It was normal to feel depressed and tried to find a way instead of just trying to find an escape...


this writing is inspired by an article of guardian.co.uk.
http://www.theguardian.com/education/2014/apr/04/students-share-stories-of-mental-health-universities?CMP=twt_gu

hadiahya adalaaahh :D

beberapa hari terakhir ini ada serentetan permintaan hadiah yang datang dari orang-orang di sekitar gw. ya gw juga ga ngerti kenapa. apa gw mulai terlihat seperti sinterklas yang salah hari, atau apalaahh... tapi banyak yang bilang saya tidak segemuk dulu lagi jadi coret sinterklas. permintaan-permintaan itu semuanya disampaikan secara verbal dan langsung. meskipun dengan berbagai macam gaya dan sebab-akibat. dan untuk kesemuanya itu saya menemukan jawaban konyol yang bikin orang ilfil dan kapok.

permintaan pertama datang dari tukang pijat dan lulur langganan gw. umurnya si udah seumuran nenek2 tp lulurannya mantep lah. berikut sesi percakapan waktu sesi lulur minggu kmrn:

n : neng, ntar lebaran nenek mau dikasih apa?

me: aku kasih panadooollll!

n : idiiihh!! masa panadol sih

me : iya kan soalnya nenek suka sakit kepala

n : aduh yang laen napa, neng.. nenek tuh maunya biskuit k**ng guan yang kaleng neng

me : ya udah aku kasiiihhhh sendok bekaass!!

n : astagaaaa gimana sih ni eneng masa gituan dikasi buat lebaran??!

me : iya nek buat dipake waktu makan biskuitnya

n : beneran dah gw ga mau dateng kesini lagi dasar gelooo

percakapan itu diakhiri dengan suara tawa gw yang terbahak-bahak plus muka cemberut si nenek pelulur handal :D

permintaan kedua dan ketiga cukup serupa, jadi baiknya gw ambil yang versi paling ga banget. dialog ini terjadi di ruang sekretaris tempat gw bekerja.

me : grace...tolong ambilin botol air minumnya si nur dong

g : mau kasi hadiah apa?

me : ya udah aku kasi obat mencreeettt

g : buset daahhhh apa kaga ada yang bagusan lagi??

me : ya udah kalo gitu aku kasiihhh gosok gigi bekaassss!!

g : dasarrrr hahahahahahah

jadi begitulah sodara-sodara jawaban saya untuk semua orang yang mendadak jadi minta hadiah. lucu tapi nyebelin dan ampuuhh untuk bikin orang-orang sadar kalo saya lagi ga punya hadiah :D.