my existence does not exist.

for the thousandth times in my life, i raise my hand high to get that quality attention from my parents. this is not about money, this is not about being there, this is not about those. this is about me asking to be appreciated as an adult human who is capably living on her own foot.

i know so much how my mother always tends to my father. she will give up everything just to accommodate his will, interest and passion. so i'm in between them, with almost no existence at all. especially to my mom. she is the kind of outgoing person. she rarely pays attention to details about me. in important occasion, she rejects to wait for me to dress up and sometimes force me to dress sloppily just as long as i don't make her come late. on the last issue, i manage to get out of it by preparing myself early. but turned out i have to serve as her waitress to search for her (always) lost accessories.

this bad habit extends to my financial ability. she often makes me withdraw some amount of money from my account and leave it almost empty. or at least just enough to the account still alive until the next administrative tax. the reason was always classic...its for your dad with his countless "bad investment" habit. of course, i'm upset. but upset never works. mainly she doesn't care. mainly my need is always lower than my dad's.

my father on the other hand, is a strange combination. beside his bad investment quality, he is a very loving father. so loving that it chokes me. he almost controlled my schedules too. whenever i need to expand my wing, he always closes the gate. he wants to keep me in for as long as he lived. the chances offered to me are not gonna come twice. but it doesn't matter for him. mainly he just needs to see me around.

so i'm tired. my mind is thinking hard to extract a plan that allows me to overcome this pressure. i can't always stay like this. its so toxic. it makes me bitter. it makes me wake up with so much burden every morning. i can't think of anything else expect leaving the house and to minimize contact with them until the financial shake is at least 50% overcome. sometimes i wish i could just go back to when i was still in junior high. no assets burden, no pressure...just studying, having fun listening to the radio. but life has move further than i can control.

typing with a smile

there was an old blog of mine... the last post was dated four years ago. throughout 2010-2011 i wrote 34 posts. at that time i passed some great deal of difficult times. everything just went in all the wrong direction. many times i thought i should just use drugs to ease my mind. or even run away with a guy so that i dont have to deal with my parents. but it wasnt easy. so i stayed with my parents, tried to cope with problems. i met guys and they just came and went. once in a while so-called love struck...and i had to deal with it...and at many times almost so-called love needed to struck and i had to sort it out LOL... 

today so many things have changed and also some are staying the same. i still live with my parents. partly because mom doesnt want me to go, and partly also because of my mom wants me to take care of the cats. i have cats now...lots of them. they are part of the family, part of my life. i'm so lucky that mom loves cats. we take care of them together. 

on my old blog, i was a semi-jobless..if thats what i should call it :). today i have an 8-5. for the government but not exactly a civil servant. my first job in the radio taught me how i could love working, how i could stand longer than any other person in the office, how work was somekinda hobby. and its still the same now. my reality hours was 8-7 sometimes 8-8. i love beauty, i love make-up, i love dressing-up so attractively...but above all..i love working. a good old friend asked me my relationship status. i answered i'm single but work fucks me everyday so i'm good LOL

inside my head..oh i have to be honest. i'm a realistic slash cynical. give me a second, i can complain about everything! LOL but of course its not socially accepted. so i keep those sounds to my head only. the good about being a cynic is that i always try to look at myself, judge and evaluating, more than anyone else. but of course those sounds also go to myself only. 

but social demands continue. the whole absurd demand for a woman to get married...oh no its choking me! master degree can take you far away but not in my society. you can go to post graduate but its not enough. they want you to become mrs. somebody, somebody's mother etc. and honestly its just too much for me. i try to be nice to such questions of when i'll be married. hmmmpp but really...i wanna be miss somebody coz of my professionality, my achievement at work, my accomplishment at so many positive fields! so i just be nice on the outside. and thats enough.

now the paragraph above doesnt really sound like typing with a smile. i should stop now. may girl power lives on and women rule. LOL.. night night