curses for me and (also) by me

this is quite a habit i created long time ago when facing a somewhat great personal grieve. it based on the factor of reluctance to contact the other party. also based on the inability to see the benefit of communicating with the other party. and also based on the fact that life has moved forward to different and far coordinates from where it used to be.

i'm not really sure where to start. a glimpse of my past experience lets me know that it's a painful way to go through a hardship. but in return the result is high resistance on mentality test. i'm not sure either if the recent event takes even 50% similarity. but the symptoms unfortunately will lead to the same old habit of somewhat hurting myself.

when something unusual happened and it led to a self-destructive moment, it's the time when i ended up putting myself to blame. well this is hard. damn hard, in fact. because the enemy was myself only. there is of course other party/aspect involved. but relating to the factors aforementioned... that part is considered to be unrelated part of the moving-forward equation. well it's easier to solve it. to put into elaboration of solution. and to see whether in the end it results in 1 or 0. it's hardly 0. 1 is always favorable.

i use to map the past experience, and then relate it with the recent event. today i'm pretty sure it's hard to see i have to come to conclusion. but i feel the need...or the perfect reason i just found is that i have no time to deal with the perhaps wrong equation. it's easier to exempt the wrong variable... the past experience suggests me to start the painful activity of solving the equation, put it out into words, and makes result to 1, only. the painful past experience has made me who i am today. it enables me to stand up and seize the day. it enables to set aside tempting whisper of going over the heartbreak folder and bring tears back to my eyes. it enables to accept that i was wrong, and to be able to forgive myself. probably what happened wasn't all bad. but reality with not a happy ending is not easy to cope with.

well this one... i'm not really sure what to name it. it's not even 50% close. but i feel the almost strong urge to just find conclusion and get on with life. it's not easy at the beginning. but after initial step is passed...the next is like driving at midnight after payday :). it's easy and relieving.

now..after passing the last toll exit... it's time to create a better system of myself. i haven't made any. but if this is truly the second time, then i have probably driven too much on the fast lane :). so now it's an official pet project. consider the result is one. and a life boat must be well prepared. a system that will safe the boat of parking on another fake land which turned out to be just another big rock floating.

My cats and their personalities

So this a story about my cats. This comes to mind under 2 occasions which happened earlier. First one is because a problem at work. Operational manager on field submit a report stating that monkeys had taken all the nypa sap. He informed me that he is trying to find a local and legal way to woo them away. When i browse i found that science defined them as animal with certain personalities. They are known to bring random and extensive damage to people near the forest. The second one was because of my cat. One particular white cat of mine. She is the first momogi's baby. i call her pucci coz she her mostly white fur (white =putih, bhs indonesia). Pucci usually sleeps in the bed room with us. She doesnt like being disturbed while eating and she really loves fried chicken. She also prefers to sleep and stay hungry all night. Sometimes it gets so worrying that i have to bring her food and feed her in the bed room. Just like last night. I took my meal inside the bedroom and then she just sat in front of me. I felt that she was hungry. I touched her tummy, it was soft and small. Its a sign that she' s hungry and hasnt eaten anything within the previous 4 hrs. I asked mom if pucci was fed yet she said no and asked me to give her one cut of fried chicken. So i did. When i fed het i thought....so personality is not always about "person". Even animal has one.

And the following is all my cats personality. Enjoy :).

Maxi : he feels that he is cute so he wants to show off his cuteness to every guests coming to our house. He is also proud that he is fat that he always shows his tummy to us

Jimmy : he is almost as fat as maxi, but he has a gentle heart and also a coward. He never fights back if other cat challenge him to.

Gendut : he is as big as and less fat than jimmy. He is half stray. He is very sweet when he is hungry only lol.

Bubu : he is very cute but skinny. He likes to run on green grass and chase females lol.

Momogi: I must say that she is the main breeder in the house. She has 11 babies, 10 of them survived until today. 2 of them has 7 babies, and only 3 of them survived. Now she is half stray. After she was neutered, she became obsessed of chasing males. and the fact that she cant get pregnant, make her more curious to mate. 

Princess: she is a pretty girl with big eyes circled with black line as if it was the eyeliner. She is so pretty and sweet, like a princess. 

Pucci : she is princess' little sister. she is small coz momogi somehow refused to breastfeed her. she doesnt like disturbance while eating and she only wants to sleep inside my bedroom, or with my mother.

Oneng: the name came from Koneng,a sundanese word, means yellow. She is cute but she likes to get attention from my father. he used to call her around and she will lay near his foot. She has 4 babies, and only 2 of them survive.

Kimmy: oh she's very cute with big round eyes and tabby color. she likes to get attention from me, and very possessive of me. sometimes she attack with her paw when other cat comes to me if she is close to me.

(to be continued)

absurd measurement

History presents experience, measurement, point of view, and of course lesson learned for the future. in times i used my experience in the past to measure things in the present. regardless of given variable still stands or falls. this, of course, one absurd measurement has presented me an odd way of looking at things.

several years ago I could not drive back home. so I called an old friend to come and see me in the airport. I was so devastated. She came and accompanied me. though it took me years ahead to really move on and have peace with myself, the long road home came as a measure. it took me one driving route to really stop crying inside. and the many days ahead after the incident, tears still fell down. I even professionally made time for it. it didn't make me feel better at all, though.

I slowly collected my broken pieces. try to put them together into one again. I thought that day would never happen. but it happens. and when it happened, an almost similar incidence took me again to that day when i was paralyzed alone in the parking lot. facing the stirring wheel with empty head and eyes full with tears. but this time it didn't take years. it only took me less than a week to feel okay again. this time with a stronger commitment to have an attitude.

today i thought... maybe it means i have learned my lesson. i dont know what to show off here. but i grieve much less than before. i dont know about the attitude...i mean it should be executed but it will not be easy. however at this point i felt surprise how short it took me to be okay again...compare to what happened in the past. if the measurement is correct it means i have gotten better off. if all the variable stands..it means i survive well.

maybe this will happen again. i hope not. its been a very tiring event. surviving this over and over again will eventually make me sick of everything. i may be able to put on a happy fake face. but deep down inside i know i wont last there. 

the unbearable fatig

maybe for once i should write a happy paragraphs. but happiness yet to come....

work is currently a constant torture. the mistake i have made has spiraled down to uncover the truth within my surroundings. oh i'm shocked because the professionalism is merely a cover..made of a very thin and easily breakable shade. daily i wonder if its even there.

i cannot wait to leave. oh how everyday i hope for a call...one coming from a worth while resource to employ me. but the many exits make me think.. what do i want to become in the next 5 or ten years? just stay and be like this? which also an option. or move ahead, forward and living my dream? which is the option i want for my exit. if i should go, i want to walk out with pride, and a smile to enter that new door of life. not with the saying "just-as-long-as-its-not-here".

so the waiting might last few while... God know how much i need it to come soon. in the mean time... i play what i'm good at. fake face all day. no its not tiring as long as i can shut down the feeling power. i dont feel...i dont sense... just the fake face, emotionless... the dangerous this is that when i'm getting so good at it. people cant really sense what happening within. but in this matter, i think it wouldnt be a problem.

my existence does not exist.

for the thousandth times in my life, i raise my hand high to get that quality attention from my parents. this is not about money, this is not about being there, this is not about those. this is about me asking to be appreciated as an adult human who is capably living on her own foot.

i know so much how my mother always tends to my father. she will give up everything just to accommodate his will, interest and passion. so i'm in between them, with almost no existence at all. especially to my mom. she is the kind of outgoing person. she rarely pays attention to details about me. in important occasion, she rejects to wait for me to dress up and sometimes force me to dress sloppily just as long as i don't make her come late. on the last issue, i manage to get out of it by preparing myself early. but turned out i have to serve as her waitress to search for her (always) lost accessories.

this bad habit extends to my financial ability. she often makes me withdraw some amount of money from my account and leave it almost empty. or at least just enough to the account still alive until the next administrative tax. the reason was always classic...its for your dad with his countless "bad investment" habit. of course, i'm upset. but upset never works. mainly she doesn't care. mainly my need is always lower than my dad's.

my father on the other hand, is a strange combination. beside his bad investment quality, he is a very loving father. so loving that it chokes me. he almost controlled my schedules too. whenever i need to expand my wing, he always closes the gate. he wants to keep me in for as long as he lived. the chances offered to me are not gonna come twice. but it doesn't matter for him. mainly he just needs to see me around.

so i'm tired. my mind is thinking hard to extract a plan that allows me to overcome this pressure. i can't always stay like this. its so toxic. it makes me bitter. it makes me wake up with so much burden every morning. i can't think of anything else expect leaving the house and to minimize contact with them until the financial shake is at least 50% overcome. sometimes i wish i could just go back to when i was still in junior high. no assets burden, no pressure...just studying, having fun listening to the radio. but life has move further than i can control.

typing with a smile

there was an old blog of mine... the last post was dated four years ago. throughout 2010-2011 i wrote 34 posts. at that time i passed some great deal of difficult times. everything just went in all the wrong direction. many times i thought i should just use drugs to ease my mind. or even run away with a guy so that i dont have to deal with my parents. but it wasnt easy. so i stayed with my parents, tried to cope with problems. i met guys and they just came and went. once in a while so-called love struck...and i had to deal with it...and at many times almost so-called love needed to struck and i had to sort it out LOL... 

today so many things have changed and also some are staying the same. i still live with my parents. partly because mom doesnt want me to go, and partly also because of my mom wants me to take care of the cats. i have cats now...lots of them. they are part of the family, part of my life. i'm so lucky that mom loves cats. we take care of them together. 

on my old blog, i was a semi-jobless..if thats what i should call it :). today i have an 8-5. for the government but not exactly a civil servant. my first job in the radio taught me how i could love working, how i could stand longer than any other person in the office, how work was somekinda hobby. and its still the same now. my reality hours was 8-7 sometimes 8-8. i love beauty, i love make-up, i love dressing-up so attractively...but above all..i love working. a good old friend asked me my relationship status. i answered i'm single but work fucks me everyday so i'm good LOL

inside my head..oh i have to be honest. i'm a realistic slash cynical. give me a second, i can complain about everything! LOL but of course its not socially accepted. so i keep those sounds to my head only. the good about being a cynic is that i always try to look at myself, judge and evaluating, more than anyone else. but of course those sounds also go to myself only. 

but social demands continue. the whole absurd demand for a woman to get married...oh no its choking me! master degree can take you far away but not in my society. you can go to post graduate but its not enough. they want you to become mrs. somebody, somebody's mother etc. and honestly its just too much for me. i try to be nice to such questions of when i'll be married. hmmmpp but really...i wanna be miss somebody coz of my professionality, my achievement at work, my accomplishment at so many positive fields! so i just be nice on the outside. and thats enough.

now the paragraph above doesnt really sound like typing with a smile. i should stop now. may girl power lives on and women rule. LOL.. night night

the nobleman way

oh i learn the hard way how the logical way failed to cope with heart problems. i was angry, sad, emotional, depressed and tired. deep down inside, within the innocent heart, it said calm down, and seize the day. my head told me to move on. the moving on came easier. seizing the day came with half the spirit. the other half was filled with sadness, pain and tears. the prayers stopped. at some point i'm asking for answers but i was unanswered. i was sad and also disappointed.
for years i tried to get up on my feet. moving aside the annoying knock from the heart. no, you go back coz i'm going the rational, logical way. and how i thought it was the best for me, for you, for us. how i press so many feelings down. and i thought, love was you, and it still is. in the future i will likely not change. maybe life will bring me someone else. as you try to point the same only it is more certain for you. maybe life will lead me to another way which takes me far away from you. maybe everything will change but inside here, that pure and sincere love will always be printed under your name. so i tried to walk on the logical way. the scientific way. i give up praying because i thought the owner of the universe set something else for me.
then that day come. when the path of the universe move our line of life into one again. like the alignment of the galaxy, it only happened for very short. it was unplanned and unavoidable. everywhere i went, the signs told me turn to you. no traffic light, just the fast lane. you said maybe this is what called destiny. destiny... that word made shiver and cry. that word made me silence and questions.
it ended without much drama. leaving me empty. you signal to walk away. you signal to be gone. i smile with rainy heart. if this is the farewell way, i bid goodbye with every good prayers my heart can do. if this the last way, i wish you a bright future and happiness. if this is the final moment, oh God how i wish him nothing but the best.
leaving more questions to my mind. i believe everything happened for a reason. nothing happens for nothing. so what was that for? what was that all about? i got up on my feet. trying every way i can to face that my love was taken away. did it mean something? or was it just a way to project something bigger and more important? and i dont know.
at some points i stood silence. for a short time, the universe showed i cant avoid what was written. this random calculus showed disturbance is meant to right the equation. this random calculus is out of my reach....out of my control. but i know, my prayers, my questions, my complains, my angers were heard.  i'm in His labyrinth just a micro particle trying to find my way. i'm powerless to determine things. i deserve the right to try, i deserve the right to plan. but in the end, this particle can only accept what has been written.
so i pray. to the owner of the universe, i know You hear me. i can only pray. it is all i have. You know best what is within my heart. if there is unlimited patience, strength, acceptance, will You please grant me those... make me patience to face this hardship. make me strong to survive difficult times. make my heart accept what is written for me. here i am, surrendering my destiny to you. for it is only yours. if life should be with the heart, please open nothing but the good ways. if life should go different way, i believe it is also a good way.
and that's my nobleman way. the way without anger, complains, emotion and hatred. it is the way of the heart. it says to be patience. it says to pray. it says to strive for the best. the common man way is much more tempting. but i listen to my heart. and i choose to be noble.

That One Dream that Could Probably Tell Everything

Few months back, a good old friend introduced me to a friend of her husband. The guy was tall and handsome. At a glimpse, he seemed to be a perfect guy to date. He sounded smart, funny and caring. Well that was all about him that I can say. After the first meeting, no significant action. A few information I collected here and there saying he was insecure with some qualities of mine. Oh I didn't quite bother about it except for the fact that he  actually could be insecure.

Two nights back, it was weekend, I had a dream about him. Two dreams in one night. in between I woke up just to try to erase him off my mind. The second dream came with a very clear message. And it was a bit surprising. It carried a certain important message. The action I did in the dream showed very clear that somehow I can't avoid what's written by God.

So there I was working as personal assistant to a very prominent yet kind-hearted female politician. We were in a seminar and I had to come back to her car to take a notebook. On my way back to the venue, I spotted him. Sitting near glass window. I felt confused and unhappy at the same time. What is he doing here?? and why is he looking at me?? I thought at that time. So I took another way to get to the venue so that I wont have to pass that glass window.

After the seminar, I quickly directed my boss to take the same way to avoid that glass window. We took much farther route. On the end of the route, I know I have to make a turn left so that I won't show before his face after the turn. it was almost a u-turn. and my boss, the very nice lady, suddenly turn right and said to me "mbak Tia, this is a very good friend of mine, come shake his hand!"... It was him and I suddenly woke up..

You can go all the way but destiny is not one to be avoided.

depressive school life

when my undergraduate degree started, I was a curious and happy girl. I was excited to get new friends and saw new places. my decision to pursue education there was more to run away rather than to be educated. I couldn't stand the pressure from my parents to get medical degree. I know its just not me.

my first and second year went well. I survived the hardship on writing reports for numerous lab session every week. I never enjoyed it and I learned the hard way how staying up late is bad for your health.

then hell comes on the last half. somehow I had the stupidest relationship ever... then the only thing I wanna do was to leave the campus. We were close but then I did something weird, he stopped talking and never responded to me. After 1-2 months he hooked up with a girl from the same batch. I felt so wasted at first. then I found my own escape. I got so addicted to internet... I could spend 4-7 hrs before the screen. I tried out anything the technology could offer me.

unconsciously I keep my distant of campus life. I left the prominent extracurricular. maybe I was just a step away of becoming an activist of whatsoever movement I was in. but that too made me uncomfortable. it made me felt so narrowed down to a fundamentalist topic. it wasnt what my heart calls me for. it was just something other created for me to go to. I thought...this kind of world would shrink me into someone I dont know. someone who stayed silent behind a man, knew no better than taking care of babies at home, agrees with painful heart to a poligamy. so I stayed away. Shut it down. Closing all acces it got to me.

On the last round, a good friend of mine introduced me to a radio life. and I LOVE it sooo much. it wasnt only the perfect escape, it took me to a new wonderful experience. in a short time, my new life turned me into a workaholic and busy girl. on the other hand, i ignored my final assignment totally. in campus, i felt like my campus mates hate me. they became so distant.

then i decided to quit on the radio to really concentrate on finishing my final assignment. it was even worse. i had to see my junior graduating. It made me so insecure. i felt such a looser... then the d-day came. it wasnt the way i expected it to be. other people seem to just pass it without a problem. mine came with a bumpy ride and rough edges. the head of department helped out a lot. i wouldn't be here without her help. but my adviser turned into someone i don't know. he doesn't wanna offer any help. he put the blame on us. he turned into a cold heartless stranger that i don't want to see or talk to.

at times i felt my future ruined before my eyes.I couldnt trust anyone. and worse I couldnt trust myself. I tried to collect the pieces. it felt like every shred came with a knife and time machine at the same time. it felt like every one turned their back on me. no one wanted to be my friend. my good friend left me with so many words left unsaid. I just wish I could turn back the time to when we would quarrel and shout at each other. I need to tell me that life still has a long journey ahead..and that emotion won't stay.

I wish I knew that those depressive times were normal. and it was also normal to go to a shrink. It was normal to call someone and just spill my heart out on the floor. It was normal to feel depressed and tried to find a way instead of just trying to find an escape...


this writing is inspired by an article of guardian.co.uk.
http://www.theguardian.com/education/2014/apr/04/students-share-stories-of-mental-health-universities?CMP=twt_gu

hadiahya adalaaahh :D

beberapa hari terakhir ini ada serentetan permintaan hadiah yang datang dari orang-orang di sekitar gw. ya gw juga ga ngerti kenapa. apa gw mulai terlihat seperti sinterklas yang salah hari, atau apalaahh... tapi banyak yang bilang saya tidak segemuk dulu lagi jadi coret sinterklas. permintaan-permintaan itu semuanya disampaikan secara verbal dan langsung. meskipun dengan berbagai macam gaya dan sebab-akibat. dan untuk kesemuanya itu saya menemukan jawaban konyol yang bikin orang ilfil dan kapok.

permintaan pertama datang dari tukang pijat dan lulur langganan gw. umurnya si udah seumuran nenek2 tp lulurannya mantep lah. berikut sesi percakapan waktu sesi lulur minggu kmrn:

n : neng, ntar lebaran nenek mau dikasih apa?

me: aku kasih panadooollll!

n : idiiihh!! masa panadol sih

me : iya kan soalnya nenek suka sakit kepala

n : aduh yang laen napa, neng.. nenek tuh maunya biskuit k**ng guan yang kaleng neng

me : ya udah aku kasiiihhhh sendok bekaass!!

n : astagaaaa gimana sih ni eneng masa gituan dikasi buat lebaran??!

me : iya nek buat dipake waktu makan biskuitnya

n : beneran dah gw ga mau dateng kesini lagi dasar gelooo

percakapan itu diakhiri dengan suara tawa gw yang terbahak-bahak plus muka cemberut si nenek pelulur handal :D

permintaan kedua dan ketiga cukup serupa, jadi baiknya gw ambil yang versi paling ga banget. dialog ini terjadi di ruang sekretaris tempat gw bekerja.

me : grace...tolong ambilin botol air minumnya si nur dong

g : mau kasi hadiah apa?

me : ya udah aku kasi obat mencreeettt

g : buset daahhhh apa kaga ada yang bagusan lagi??

me : ya udah kalo gitu aku kasiihhh gosok gigi bekaassss!!

g : dasarrrr hahahahahahah

jadi begitulah sodara-sodara jawaban saya untuk semua orang yang mendadak jadi minta hadiah. lucu tapi nyebelin dan ampuuhh untuk bikin orang-orang sadar kalo saya lagi ga punya hadiah :D.