History presents experience, measurement, point of view, and of course lesson learned for the future. in times i used my experience in the past to measure things in the present. regardless of given variable still stands or falls. this, of course, one absurd measurement has presented me an odd way of looking at things.
several years ago I could not drive back home. so I called an old friend to come and see me in the airport. I was so devastated. She came and accompanied me. though it took me years ahead to really move on and have peace with myself, the long road home came as a measure. it took me one driving route to really stop crying inside. and the many days ahead after the incident, tears still fell down. I even professionally made time for it. it didn't make me feel better at all, though.
I slowly collected my broken pieces. try to put them together into one again. I thought that day would never happen. but it happens. and when it happened, an almost similar incidence took me again to that day when i was paralyzed alone in the parking lot. facing the stirring wheel with empty head and eyes full with tears. but this time it didn't take years. it only took me less than a week to feel okay again. this time with a stronger commitment to have an attitude.
today i thought... maybe it means i have learned my lesson. i dont know what to show off here. but i grieve much less than before. i dont know about the attitude...i mean it should be executed but it will not be easy. however at this point i felt surprise how short it took me to be okay again...compare to what happened in the past. if the measurement is correct it means i have gotten better off. if all the variable stands..it means i survive well.
maybe this will happen again. i hope not. its been a very tiring event. surviving this over and over again will eventually make me sick of everything. i may be able to put on a happy fake face. but deep down inside i know i wont last there.
