blessing in disguise

Moving on part 2.

meeting an ex-bf would always be toxic. there were nuances of past romance which allows the formal courtesy to vanish. there were unanswered yearning sense emerging from everywhere.  the pain and anger might have subsided.. but love was not easy to control. it's calling you.. and making you wish it would be re-embodied as soon as you want it to be...

the meeting carried together your smell.. the thing i couldnt get over with so easily.. however it evaporated quickly by the time i reached desk.the work would flow endlessly. every hours spent before the screen was never enough. it was difficult to get time to get your smell into my thought. it'd been too full with data sheet and urgent phone calls. by the end of the day all i want was a pack of good rest without any dream. surprisingly you werent in it either.

priceless experience came at high price. the actual job desk went beyond the one written on paper. but it was lovely. as a student, everything read in text book can be seemed surreal. as junior professional, being able to see the text book unfold and played before my own eyes was beyond my wildest imagination. everything i could only read in text book, now happening live, and i got to see it with my own two eyes. it was splendid.

then came the business trip.. oh it was lovely.. until life was nothing but the trip... people would hunt the extra income. but for me it was a prison. how could you be happy visiting a place and only see airport, hotel, souvenir spot and airport again? so the money wouldnt even entertain the travelling spirit. after few months all i could thought was to go travelling on my own.

but of course the world is not a perfect place. the classic 101 of office negativity was all around. the bullies were one thing. but unappreciation was rather unacceptable. whether it was just part of being in lowest supply chain or something else.. it was still driving my motivation away.

and by the end of the first year... i couldnt recollect the moment i was still so into my ex. surprisingly i woke up feeling myself at a whole. more than that was the decision to move further with my career. but i would never forget what this job had given me. a whole new me.

moving on and letting go

the heart will never lie.. though yourself has made a come back.. letting go was another story to tell..

if moving on is about the ability to breath with yourself again, letting go is about forgiving the past, the other person and yourself... it was about the ability to understand your grudge, your complain, your hopelessness. it was also about what to do about them.. they would come haunt you. they are good at creating anger out of the blue. they are making you blame yourself for everything. forgiving was the end of the chapter. it started with grudging.

there were many times i would keep my own grudge. it was nice to grudge by yourself.. it let your mind drifted to somewhere shabby and awful. it was as if you've been to a dirty part of the city but you loved it there..

blame would be burdened to myself.. that filthy stupid habid would die hard. the common questions will drag me to the valley of sharp rock.. there was something addicting about it.. the feel of unrealistic pain. i would feel like hurting myself would somehow lead me to solution.

forgiving was the most expensive thing.. then it was getting heavier to face. the room you can have free now full of negativity. when you open the door.. there was no more clean space for fresh air.

then everything is tiring me. the gurdge brought nothing. the blaming made more useless pain. so by then i start to let go.  these unaffordable dark privilege has turned into eternal waste land. the options were to wake with my clean fresh self or with my dark self.

so i surrender my wound, and pain to the Owner of the universe. my sole objective was to be purely healed. my formidable trust was God will be fair. if He decided to let him go unpunished, if He decided to make him much better off, my heart will not file any complain. nor will i when it's the opposite.

forgiving didnt come fast. but it came in the end. it was hard to forgive yourself for making mistake. but i dont want to go another day that way. i deserve to be forgiven for my own mistakes. i deserve to stop blaming and spare my heart a good deal of wide field. so i forgive myself now.. i made mistake.. still trying to learn from it.. and it was okay. i was being human, nothing more.

when it's finally me again

after you gave everything then being turned down, the worst part was not to leave or to be left. time will heal will not even cover as the title. the hardest task is the process to find yourself again.

the world colapsed everyday when he left. nothing was really okay. nothing was right. the cries never helped. no matter how dry the eyes had become. every time there was the question of would he come back.. would he know.. would he think of me now.. pain was something usual. it was miserable.

everyday it was waking up feeling as if the soul scattered all over the place. it was almost impossible to pick it up again one by one and put yourself together again. and impossible almost became the norm of the day.

after two jobs and many months of working non-stop, i woke up with a fresh feeling. it felt like me again. it felt like myself again. an oh it was so nice... it was a nice foreign feeling. but i know myself had finnaly arrived to its soul's socket again.. it wasnt planned, it wasnt carefully managed. but myself finally came together.

was it because of the jobs? meeting new people? the time when i had to work endlessly? the time when there no such space or energy to think about him again? maybe all of the above...

the jobs werent exactly what i wish myself would do. the hours were almost endless. i didnt even have a life with friends. the perks were abundant though :). there were times i would experience priceless things. things i could only read in text books of international economy. there were times i should kick off my brain and produce data sheet which would serve as important document. it was a priceless experience. perhaps i also owed it to this job that i was able to move on.

people would ask how come i still didnt see anyone new so soon. they should know.. it was not easy to find myself again. it was not easy to breath in the air and to know yes it's entirely you. not you scattered.. not you all over the place.. not you being devastated.

moving on was another story. rather an interesting one. will be continued in the next post.