when it's finally me again

after you gave everything then being turned down, the worst part was not to leave or to be left. time will heal will not even cover as the title. the hardest task is the process to find yourself again.

the world colapsed everyday when he left. nothing was really okay. nothing was right. the cries never helped. no matter how dry the eyes had become. every time there was the question of would he come back.. would he know.. would he think of me now.. pain was something usual. it was miserable.

everyday it was waking up feeling as if the soul scattered all over the place. it was almost impossible to pick it up again one by one and put yourself together again. and impossible almost became the norm of the day.

after two jobs and many months of working non-stop, i woke up with a fresh feeling. it felt like me again. it felt like myself again. an oh it was so nice... it was a nice foreign feeling. but i know myself had finnaly arrived to its soul's socket again.. it wasnt planned, it wasnt carefully managed. but myself finally came together.

was it because of the jobs? meeting new people? the time when i had to work endlessly? the time when there no such space or energy to think about him again? maybe all of the above...

the jobs werent exactly what i wish myself would do. the hours were almost endless. i didnt even have a life with friends. the perks were abundant though :). there were times i would experience priceless things. things i could only read in text books of international economy. there were times i should kick off my brain and produce data sheet which would serve as important document. it was a priceless experience. perhaps i also owed it to this job that i was able to move on.

people would ask how come i still didnt see anyone new so soon. they should know.. it was not easy to find myself again. it was not easy to breath in the air and to know yes it's entirely you. not you scattered.. not you all over the place.. not you being devastated.

moving on was another story. rather an interesting one. will be continued in the next post.