moving on and letting go

the heart will never lie.. though yourself has made a come back.. letting go was another story to tell..

if moving on is about the ability to breath with yourself again, letting go is about forgiving the past, the other person and yourself... it was about the ability to understand your grudge, your complain, your hopelessness. it was also about what to do about them.. they would come haunt you. they are good at creating anger out of the blue. they are making you blame yourself for everything. forgiving was the end of the chapter. it started with grudging.

there were many times i would keep my own grudge. it was nice to grudge by yourself.. it let your mind drifted to somewhere shabby and awful. it was as if you've been to a dirty part of the city but you loved it there..

blame would be burdened to myself.. that filthy stupid habid would die hard. the common questions will drag me to the valley of sharp rock.. there was something addicting about it.. the feel of unrealistic pain. i would feel like hurting myself would somehow lead me to solution.

forgiving was the most expensive thing.. then it was getting heavier to face. the room you can have free now full of negativity. when you open the door.. there was no more clean space for fresh air.

then everything is tiring me. the gurdge brought nothing. the blaming made more useless pain. so by then i start to let go.  these unaffordable dark privilege has turned into eternal waste land. the options were to wake with my clean fresh self or with my dark self.

so i surrender my wound, and pain to the Owner of the universe. my sole objective was to be purely healed. my formidable trust was God will be fair. if He decided to let him go unpunished, if He decided to make him much better off, my heart will not file any complain. nor will i when it's the opposite.

forgiving didnt come fast. but it came in the end. it was hard to forgive yourself for making mistake. but i dont want to go another day that way. i deserve to be forgiven for my own mistakes. i deserve to stop blaming and spare my heart a good deal of wide field. so i forgive myself now.. i made mistake.. still trying to learn from it.. and it was okay. i was being human, nothing more.