secret crush

yup! back in teenage time when MTV was the "it" channel, and the VJs were bigger than movie star. i couldnt take my eyes off this guy.



he was known as Gregg Utt. he had been in MTV singapore for 15 years. he had this perfect mixture of east-meets-west figure. and the eyes would just melt the ladies instantly.

still remember i was 16 and cutting his photo off a teen magazine and stick it inside my drawer. next to Takuya Kimura pic. when he was busy on TV as VJ, i really love his perfect english-american accent. he was also pictured as silly, funny and really just the clown of the VJs. not sure whether it was the image he was formed, or just his own choice. but doesn't matter.

this morning he was featured in a news article, advertised in facebook. posing on right side. really took me back to the past. and i was glad he doesnt change much. and also the fact we girls never know who he is dating.

that is his choice, maybe to protect privacy. it is also a good strategy to keep him interesting. the fan wants to know the media wants to know. yes! the whole world wants to know :).

now he's back in Singapore. if one day i visit the city, would definitely hope to ran into him in a bus or mrt. i would stare like anything and make him feel uncomfortable or even scared! LOL

the revolting train talk (2)

commuter train in Jakarta and the surrounding sub-urban area is using second-hand train and car train from Japan. the government have always tried to increase the capacity by buying more trains, but the the number of passengers always beat this efforts. the growing number of sub-urban people working in the city contribute to the high number of passengers. so in peak hours, please expect to throw comfort immediately. this is depressing for people who are sensitive and in need of comfort. after a while it is advised that ignoring discomfort aspect will be best for your sanity.

the story took place one morning, last week. it was a rare chance that i got a seat, but i did and it was splendid. so splendid until two ladies standing on my left were sharing stories. the lady in long hair (L1) listening attentively while her counterpart in hijab (L2) was talking rapidly.

the story was somewhat rare to conservative people. rare in a sense that such discussion is considered immoral. not to mention the heavy sins that two people have to carry when committing such actions. however, the point of view chosen will be from another aspect. the point of concern was heterosexual interest played by men in Jakarta and how female managed their point of view.

L2 was apparently in a flirting situation with her colleague (M). she knew that he was still seeing his ex-girlfriend. one day she found out that he and his ex spent time together in a hotel. she also found out that such activity had occurred multiple times. L2 expressed her rejection repulsively. she mentioned the sins those people had to carry, from her muslim point of view. L2 also cited that the guy had given her random signals. he clearly admitted that he was close with L2. he was well aware that he and L2 seemed to share the same feelings. L2 on the other hand, decided not to keep in touch with M because of his activity with his ex.

L2 tried to leave the impression that she was the side who won by deciding not to keep in touch. but she didn's see that she also long for his attention, highly appreciate certain of his thoughtful behavior.

the stranger who listened to her story would say ok girl you like this guy, really like this guy. but the fact that he couldnt even be straight to ask you to be his girl was something you need to think about. you knew he frequented hotels with someone else. you knew he was still so close with another girl. so why would you waste more than half of this train journey to pour your heart out. the fact that you really took the time to give space in your heart could show you were not winning at all.

okay now you stop talking to him. that's good. but it is even better if you learn that he kept you in stand-by seat. whenever the other girl gone, you will be in spotlight, for a while...

it is actually a common thing to see a couple visiting hotel for short time, or even a full day. it doesnt matter if he is bringing his ex-gf, ex-wife or even an ex-male. all they need to show to show is valid ID, for the sake of data requirement, and pay. the hotel wont even care if your ID is fake. different scenario will happen in sharia hotel, but still the "secular" outnumber the sharia hotel.

in easy term... the stranger will conclude M was just not that into L2. L2 tried too hard to look hard to get but fail...

the revolting train talk (1)

it was a bright sunny early august when the train from UI took me to Manggarai station. two women stood behind me, talking. but it was more of hearing the justification of why she cheated another man's husband. first women (W1) opened a seemingly funny fact that other people thought second women (W2) had affair with a man. W2 laughed over the story.

W2 met him in the office. after meeting few times, he poured his heart out to her about his disappoinment towards married life. he had a daughter. W2 was also in a delicate situation with her husband. W2 refused to call it an affair. one day the wife came to her house. she attempted to talk to W2. but W2 refused and tasked her housemaid to simply say she was not around. during the train talk, W2 complained that the wife dressed inappropriately when she came.

W2 perceived the affair was something unacceptable. however she held on to it for some times. she refused to be guilty. she blamed the man's wife for being the trigger of the affair. the affair ended one morning when the man called W2. it was a short telephone call, and W2 was still in bed receiving the call. she simply agreed.

i was there standing beside them. rage was all over me. the angry questions that i really want her to answer that instant was overwhelming.

what were you thinking, W2? how stressed would you be when you found your husband is cheating on you? how would you feel if you were the daughter? what right you have to judge the wife when you simply refused to sit in guilty chair? how could you be so proud being his escape pod? so you thought you were in a train full of strangers except your friend, you could loudly tell your past? so you thought just because no one in your story appeared on the train, you could justify sharing your heart out?

and i was angry. so angry that i decided to put ear phone and turned on the radio on my phone so loud. so loud that i didnt have to hear her story. because i could closely relate to my past. disturbance brought in the family by stranger is something so painful. unacceptable to digest and to forgive.

(this topic is inspired of hearing the conversation in commuter train.)

when i win USD 100 millions

the favorite question during conversation exam in french class is this. whatever the objective of the question to the students, for me this a fun fantasy question. i can write just anything, without boundaries. at the same time, it is a journey back to myself. recognizing what i want to do in the future. recognizing what is the passion that lies beneath.

these are my typical answer:

1. 25% goes for making cat shelter (for stray animals)
2. 25% goes for donation to orphanage
3. 25% goes for making a small cottage by the beach
4. 25% goes for fixed investment to ensure sustainability of activity no 1 and 2

does this mean i don't like fancy things? not really. i do adore several fashion brands. those products will drain my pocket at times. does this mean i'm a highly social person? not really. i do not participate in any volunteering activity. then i thought.. do i really need to win so much money to do all this. i think if i want to think through, there is always a way to realize my deep obsession.

yes i love cats. i have 17 at home. they live free in the front yard, sleeping, eating, and playing all around the house. no 1 comes from my restless reaction upon seeing people around me treating stray cats. the classic bad habit is to take cats to their houses. when the female cats pregnant, they will throw her away to dumpster, or to traditional market. places which they thought will provide food when these poor cats are hungry. the worse is to to keep the female cats but throwing away their babies, even when could not open their yet. this is too heartbreaking for me to see.

i understand people can be so lack of information of how they can neuter their cats safely with small budget. i also understand people can be so lack of the good will to find out to do more. how the world can be a better place when we're not just looking straight. i'm not trying to lecture.. but my own experience taught that neutering cats can be a healthy choice for them.

now that no 3 is not realized yet :), i pick stray cats near by, in office or house. register to an independent neutering cats movement. then have some strays neutered with budget price. i put them in trusted pet shop for 3 days, then returning them back to their habitat. this is very helpful since i live with parents, and dad against taking care of stray cats.

since i'm not really winning lottery or diving for treasure in the ocean, no 4 will be totally out of the question. but for sure i can start an investment. a small-medium amount in long term. one day i will grow old, on that day i wish i can have my own place to protect me from sun and rain. one day, when i grow old, i hope i can continue helping people and animals.

the scarce normality in cyber world

now people call it social-media. whatever that is, ever since the web-cam feature was invented, the "normal" aspect you wish to emerge in cyber world, seemed to have vanished for good. the normal ethics of conversation would be starting for general stuffs, then moving to personal. in the good old days, when people can only chat, you got no option but to type. nowadays, the shift of easiness has turned people into some pathetic uniformity.

the common playing field of chat now turns into a transit. the place where people exchange mutual "permanent" contact of messenger app. the lousy ones would turn mad/monster/upset if you dont give them your messenger name account. it is as if a woman's obligation to answer to any men's request. it is a micro scale way to say woman can make option. and yes, it includes generating rejection to masculin request.

the annoying domestic conversation is to interrogate you when your status is single over 30 y.o. the other counterparts would conclude you experience a traumatic experience. they would also assume that you have been too picky. they would also pathetically assume that you prefer same sex couple. however, the fact that you just busy with work and study is not making sound. it is unclear as to why woman cannot have career in their own view. it is unclear why woman must accept to solely being domestic worker. that is particularly happening in this country.

the modern life will never defeat the traditional social demand towards women. it is undesirable for woman to have more successfull career. it is woman's obligation to make the man feel comfort of their inability to establish his own success. it is woman's obligation to provide moral support for the man, while she herself is expected to leave her career when the possibility of raising family is knocking on door. so this woman will be the object of other women's gossip talk. and be perceived as useless. so it is not important if the woman can  make a living, smart, have a career, independent. it is important if the woman can be a wife with excellent domestic worker ability.

since you are over 30 y.o. the common masculin perception is that you are married. the hard and fast rule of thumb of the indonesian men you meet is to conclude you have a husband. they generally wouldnt ask. therefore, they are so sure to call you ma'am instead of miss, bun(da) instead of mbak.

fyi, since i would prefer for my future children to address me with bunda, it is not pleasing at all to have stranger to address me in such a way.

the important note woman will find in social media is that it is a puddle of mud. puddle of dark mud, that you have to sort very thinly to find people who are civilized enough. civilized in a way they would send the photo of whats inside their pants when they find you're hot and cute at the same time. and yes, this has been happening numerous times.

all we women want is normal conversation, one that allows us to see who you really are, and not the size you got down there. this will continue to be what we want, because it will not happen any sooner. maybe never will.