my existence does not exist.

for the thousandth times in my life, i raise my hand high to get that quality attention from my parents. this is not about money, this is not about being there, this is not about those. this is about me asking to be appreciated as an adult human who is capably living on her own foot.

i know so much how my mother always tends to my father. she will give up everything just to accommodate his will, interest and passion. so i'm in between them, with almost no existence at all. especially to my mom. she is the kind of outgoing person. she rarely pays attention to details about me. in important occasion, she rejects to wait for me to dress up and sometimes force me to dress sloppily just as long as i don't make her come late. on the last issue, i manage to get out of it by preparing myself early. but turned out i have to serve as her waitress to search for her (always) lost accessories.

this bad habit extends to my financial ability. she often makes me withdraw some amount of money from my account and leave it almost empty. or at least just enough to the account still alive until the next administrative tax. the reason was always classic...its for your dad with his countless "bad investment" habit. of course, i'm upset. but upset never works. mainly she doesn't care. mainly my need is always lower than my dad's.

my father on the other hand, is a strange combination. beside his bad investment quality, he is a very loving father. so loving that it chokes me. he almost controlled my schedules too. whenever i need to expand my wing, he always closes the gate. he wants to keep me in for as long as he lived. the chances offered to me are not gonna come twice. but it doesn't matter for him. mainly he just needs to see me around.

so i'm tired. my mind is thinking hard to extract a plan that allows me to overcome this pressure. i can't always stay like this. its so toxic. it makes me bitter. it makes me wake up with so much burden every morning. i can't think of anything else expect leaving the house and to minimize contact with them until the financial shake is at least 50% overcome. sometimes i wish i could just go back to when i was still in junior high. no assets burden, no pressure...just studying, having fun listening to the radio. but life has move further than i can control.