curses for me and (also) by me

this is quite a habit i created long time ago when facing a somewhat great personal grieve. it based on the factor of reluctance to contact the other party. also based on the inability to see the benefit of communicating with the other party. and also based on the fact that life has moved forward to different and far coordinates from where it used to be.

i'm not really sure where to start. a glimpse of my past experience lets me know that it's a painful way to go through a hardship. but in return the result is high resistance on mentality test. i'm not sure either if the recent event takes even 50% similarity. but the symptoms unfortunately will lead to the same old habit of somewhat hurting myself.

when something unusual happened and it led to a self-destructive moment, it's the time when i ended up putting myself to blame. well this is hard. damn hard, in fact. because the enemy was myself only. there is of course other party/aspect involved. but relating to the factors aforementioned... that part is considered to be unrelated part of the moving-forward equation. well it's easier to solve it. to put into elaboration of solution. and to see whether in the end it results in 1 or 0. it's hardly 0. 1 is always favorable.

i use to map the past experience, and then relate it with the recent event. today i'm pretty sure it's hard to see i have to come to conclusion. but i feel the need...or the perfect reason i just found is that i have no time to deal with the perhaps wrong equation. it's easier to exempt the wrong variable... the past experience suggests me to start the painful activity of solving the equation, put it out into words, and makes result to 1, only. the painful past experience has made me who i am today. it enables me to stand up and seize the day. it enables to set aside tempting whisper of going over the heartbreak folder and bring tears back to my eyes. it enables to accept that i was wrong, and to be able to forgive myself. probably what happened wasn't all bad. but reality with not a happy ending is not easy to cope with.

well this one... i'm not really sure what to name it. it's not even 50% close. but i feel the almost strong urge to just find conclusion and get on with life. it's not easy at the beginning. but after initial step is passed...the next is like driving at midnight after payday :). it's easy and relieving.

now..after passing the last toll exit... it's time to create a better system of myself. i haven't made any. but if this is truly the second time, then i have probably driven too much on the fast lane :). so now it's an official pet project. consider the result is one. and a life boat must be well prepared. a system that will safe the boat of parking on another fake land which turned out to be just another big rock floating.